What Doctors Say And What They Really Mean

Says: "This should be taken care of right away."
Means: "I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."

Says: "Welllllll, what have we here..."
Means: Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.

Says: "We'll see."
Means: "First I have to check my malpractice insurance."

Says: "Let me check your medical history."
Means: "I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."

Says: "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
Means: "I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time." -or- "I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit."

Says: "I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
Means: "I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."

Says: "Hmmmmmmmm."
Means: Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt.

Says: "We have some good news and some bad news."
Means: The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it.

Says: "Let's see how it develops."
Means: "Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured."

Says: "Let me schedule you for some tests."
Means: "I have a 40% interest in the lab."

Says: "How are we today?"
Means: "I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell."

Says: "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
Means: "I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig."

Says: "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
Means: "I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself."

Says: "That's quite a nasty looking wound."
Means: "I think I'm going to throw up."

Says: "This may smart a little."
Means: "Last week two patients bit through their tongues."

Says: "This should fix you up."
Means: The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms.

Says: "Everything seems to be normal."
Means: "I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."

Says: "I'd like to run some more tests."
Means: "I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one."

Says: "Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
Means: He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees.

Says: "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
Means: "I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week."