Funny Quotes By Woody Allen

1. "In Los Angeles they don't throw out their garbage away. They make it into television shows."
2. "I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
3. "My problems all started with my early education. I went to a school for mentally disturbed teachers."
4. "My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."
5. "My wife and I pondered for a while whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have."
6. "Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate."
7. "Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night."
8. "On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down."
9. "My brain, that's my second favourite organ."
10. "I failed to make the chess team because of my height."
11. "I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."