Office Memo - No Swearing At Work

Dear Staff

It has been brought to the CEO’s attention that some individuals throughout the organisation have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative “TRY SAYING” phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1. Try Saying: I think you could do with more training
Instead Of: You don’t have a fucking clue, do you?

2. Try Saying: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of: She’s a fucking power-crazy bitch

3. Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

4. Try Saying: I’m certain that isn’t feasible
Instead Of: Fuck off arsehole

5. Try Saying: Really?
Instead Of: Well fuck me backwards with a telegraph pole

6. Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with…
Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a fuck.

7. Try Saying: I wasn’t involved in the project.
Instead Of: Not my fucking problem.

8. Try Saying: That’s interesting.
Instead Of: What the fuck?

9. Try Saying: I’m not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of: No fucking chance mate.

10. Try Saying: It will be tight, but I’ll try to schedule it in
Instead Of: Why the fuck didn’t you tell me that yesterday?

11. Try Saying: He’s not familiar with the issues
Instead Of: He’s got his head up his fucking arse.

12. Try Saying: Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of: Oi, fuck face.

13. Try Saying: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of: Yeah, who needs fucking holidays anyway.