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A Drunk Have Only One Love

A drunk guy was stumbling home one day when he got lost and found himself in the bush. He fell to the ground and noticed a lamp. He picked it up, and rubbed it, and out came a genie.

"You have three wishes, choose them wisely." says the Genie.

The guy, looking down at his last, and empty, bottle of beer, smashes it on some rocks and says, "I want a beer that will never run out."

*Poof*

A bottle appears in front of the guy. He takes it, looks at it, and downs it. He looks at it again, and to his surprise, it was still full. The guy being very content starts walking away.

"Where are you going," asks the Genie, "You still have two wishes left!"

"Well," replies the guy, "Give me TWO more of these!"

Old And Still Rocking

Be Careful Santa !

Talking Out Of Context

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid was hiding under the bed. I Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!" The cabdriver hit a parked car...

Downloading ....

No use now anyway :)

Want Gifts For X-Mas .. Speak Out Loud

A few days before Christmas, two young brothers were spending the night at their grandparent's house. When it was time to go to bed, and anxious to do the right thing, they both knelt down to say their prayers.

Suddenly, the younger one began to do so in a very loud voice.

"Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a play-station, a mountain-bike and a telescope."

His older brother leaned over and nudged his brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

"I know" he replied, "But Grandma is!"

Have A Suggestion - Just Drop By

When Its Ok To Abuse Traffic Cop

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, ‘Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?’

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn’t care. My car was parked around the corner.

Kiss My A**

The Killer Jigsaw Puzzle

One morning a blonde calls her friend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can`t figure out how to start it."

Her friend asks, "What is it a puzzle of?"

The blonde says, "From the picture on the box, it`s a tiger."

The friend figures he`s pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She let him in and shows him to the table where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a minute, then studies the box.

He then turns to her and says, "First, no matter what I do, I`m not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."

"Second, I`d advise you to have a cup of coffee and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box!

Kick Ass Letter

A Mother passing by her son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was
addressed to ‘Mom’ With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with hands and read the letter.

Dear Mom:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion… Mom she’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don’t worry Mom. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Your Son Paul

P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I’m over at Dustin’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my center desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it’s safe to come home.

Family And Friends Are Like ...

There Is Always A Cheap And Easy Way Of Getting Thing Done

Jimmy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

I'll sleep on it," said Jimmy.

Six months later the doctor met Jimmy on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for $10."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!!!

Airline's Innovating To Increase Revenue

The Loyal Wife

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the +after-life+ with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died...

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait, just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there in the casket with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him !!! ?"

"I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Phelps Causing Humiliation For Dolphins

Call Her When You Grow Up

What Doctors Say And What They Really Mean

Says: "This should be taken care of right away."
Means: "I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."

Says: "Welllllll, what have we here..."
Means: Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.

Says: "We'll see."
Means: "First I have to check my malpractice insurance."

Says: "Let me check your medical history."
Means: "I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."

Says: "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
Means: "I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time." -or- "I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit."

Says: "I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
Means: "I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."

Says: "Hmmmmmmmm."
Means: Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt.

Says: "We have some good news and some bad news."
Means: The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it.

Says: "Let's see how it develops."
Means: "Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured."

Says: "Let me schedule you for some tests."
Means: "I have a 40% interest in the lab."

Says: "How are we today?"
Means: "I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell."

Says: "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
Means: "I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig."

Says: "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
Means: "I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself."

Says: "That's quite a nasty looking wound."
Means: "I think I'm going to throw up."

Says: "This may smart a little."
Means: "Last week two patients bit through their tongues."

Says: "This should fix you up."
Means: The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms.

Says: "Everything seems to be normal."
Means: "I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."

Says: "I'd like to run some more tests."
Means: "I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one."

Says: "Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
Means: He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees.

Says: "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
Means: "I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week."

Inovation - Can Be Seen All Around

Suicide Helpline

End Of The World Headlines

When the End of the World Arrives, How Will the Media Report It?

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: 'BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

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Cognitive Reasoning Test.

Three elderly ladies were at the doctor for a cognitive reasoning test.

The doctor says to the first gal, "What is three times three?" "297," was her prompt reply. "Ummm humm," says the doc.

The doctor says to the second lady, "It's your turn now. What is three times three?" "Friday," replies the second lady. "Ummm humm..."

Then the doc says to the third, "Okay, mam, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," she says. "That's wonderful!" says the doc. "Tell me, how did you get that?"

"Simple," she says, beaming... "I subtracted 297 from Friday!"

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